Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
