I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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