I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
