you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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