obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
