he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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