I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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