Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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