he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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