He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
