I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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