My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
