I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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