Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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