In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
