seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
