i jhust puked up my retainher.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
