Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
