you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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