Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
