Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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