I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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