well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
