Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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