She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
