I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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