I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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