oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
