i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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