Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
