Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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