You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
