She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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