I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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