.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
