Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
