You made me cry and you don't even care
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
