When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
