Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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