I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
