Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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