Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
