I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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