If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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