my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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