Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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