just survived the first fart of the relationship.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
