So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Randomize
