I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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