since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.