what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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