You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
