I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
babies were throwing up all over the place
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
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his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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