I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
