i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
