oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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